Jokes

[Frankenstein]

Here's a few Jokes. Feel free to post your joke(s) on here to

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a
black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husbands size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

[jetmech001]

Did you hear the one about the man who was so lazy,he married a pregnant woman?

[Frankenstein]

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't ya fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time......
The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?"
Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"
"Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes walk into a bar with a picture made from a kids jigsaw puzzle, drop it down on a table and ask the bartender for 10 beers... they said the rest will be in shortly... each grabs a beer and cheers, saying "2 months, it only took us 2 months." 5 more blondes join them at them, each grabbing a beer, and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." Finally, the last two blones walk in, completing the 10, all drinking and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." So the curious bartender asks what the occasion is. One of the blondes answers, "All these years, everyone has said blondes are dumb and we finally proved them wrong. See this puzzle? On the box it said up to 7 years... it only took the ten of us 2 months to do!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman's BJ Ettiquette

She says.....

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it, So if you get one, be grateful.

I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face, No, I DON'T have to swallow.

My ears are NOT handles, do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your ****?

I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like sh*t so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.

No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...

When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette.....

First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

Second, swallowing a teas**** full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish

You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.

Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the **** off your breath we would stick around afterward.

When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the sh*t end of the stick in flavor country.

At least there is no danger of a **** bleeding in your mouth.

Play with the balls

No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

Caress the ass, too, we like that.

Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? leave the thinking to us, okay?

[Hubcap]

no racist stuff? They are the best jokes.

[krism2k4]

a guys mother in law moves in with him and the wife.
she lives there for about a week or so.
once night the guys comes home and finds her laid out on the floor.
he calls the paramedics and they come and wheel her outta there.
so he's waiting at the hospital and the doctor come out to tell him what happened.
the doctor says.
well ive got some bad news and some good news. what do you want first.
the guy says give me the good news first.
the doctor says well. your mother in law had a massive stroke but she made it.
she'll probably live another 20 years or so.
but there's a few things you should know.
the stroke has left her unable to speak.
whenever she tries to talk a horrible squawking sound is made. kinda like a parrot.
she also has lost motor functions in her arms.
meaning she is gonna have to be hand fed baby food three times a day for the rest of her life.
and lastly. shes now incontinent. so you'll also have to change her diaper.
the guy says. good god that horrible. what could possibly be the bad news.
the doctor says. bad news is im just kidding you. she died.